Awards
Page Index
* OSCAR coverage here
'04 FiLM BiTCH
Awards
by
Nathaniel
R
These pages contain SPOILERS regarding the year's films
Gold,
Silver, and Bronze Medalists
Honoring favorite achievements of 2004.
Contenders I only think it's fair to show what I've seen. You
can't see everything. Click here.
Traditional
Oscar categories: Majors
/
Technicals
/ Technicals 2 (Tally of Noms)
Special Categories: Extras
/ Extras 2 / Scenes
1 / Scenes 2 (Tally
of Noms)
Hero
of the Year
the
noble nominees are
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Elasti-Girl Holly Hunter in The Incredibles |
Hellboy Ron Perlman in Hellboy |
Mr.
Incredible Craig T Nelson in The Incredibles |
Alfred
Kinsey Liam Neeson in Kinsey |
Peter
Parker Tobey Maguire in Spider-Man |
Blessed
with:
No nonsense charm, inner strength, creative problem solving skills, and elasticity. Achilles Heel: Stretched too thin: unruly kids, her husband's midlife crisis, baby Jack- Jack -quite a handful Triumph: Keeps her family together. Gets flexible w/ parenting skills encouraging her kids to be 'super' at last. |
Blessed
with:
Super strength and leaping skills to rival the Hulk --only he's bright red and stays that way. His demonic exterior hides a softie spirit: loves kittens ! Achilles Heel: Fish out of water melancholy. Triumph: Gets the girl. He also wins in the film's climax --don't ask me to explain further because I didn't understand a thing. |
Blessed
with:
True heroic spirit and protective concern for others. Oh, yeah and super-powers too: Super strength and invulnerability. Achilles Heel: Collateral damage. Plus the back, the paunch --He ain't what he used to be. Triumph: A new lease on life, renewed familial commitment, back in shape --Still Incredible! |
Blessed
with:
Olympian determination, Knowledge lust, a progressive wife, and a very large endowment. Achilles Heel: Tunnel vision. That pesky inability to compromise or shut up (god bless him). Triumph: Shaking America free of its ignorance and unleashing the shackles of puritanism -at least temporarily (sigh). |
Blessed
with:
There's a hero in all of us. In him, though, the hero comes with thrilling super-powers and sober sense of responsibility. Achilles Heel: Performance anxiety. "Why can't I have what I want?" fueled bouts of super-confusion. Triumph: Finally gets the girl without losing "Spider-Man" in the process. |
|
Faith,
Hope, Charity, Fortitude, Justice, Temperance and Prudence |
||||
Finalists:
(none)
Semi Finalists:
Hector
-Troy truthfully the film is
devoid of true heroes, but he comes closest
* The Bride -Kill Bill Volume 2. Still more of an anti-heroine,
but you gotta respect * Harry Potter Harry Potter and the Prisoner
of Azkaban -Still the greatest boy wizard around...and this
time his acting has improved. (The real hero might be his new director,
Alfonse Cuaron) * |
||||
Villian
of the Year
the
dirty bastards are
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
"Bill" David Carradine in Kill Bill Vol 2 |
"Doctor
Octopus" Alfred Molina in Spider-Man 2 |
"George
Bush" George Bush in Fahrenheit 9/11 |
"Regina
George" Jane McAdams in Mean Girls |
"Vincent" Tom Cruise in Collateral |
Guilty
of... Overreacting. His crimes also include party crashing, multiple assassinations, "monologue-ing" and kidnapping. Henchmen? DiVAS (The Deadly Viper Assassination Squad) as introduced in Volume 1 and eliminated by Volume 2 Sentence: Death by heartbreak -quite literally. |
Guilty
of... Scientific blunders, murders, double kidnappings, bank robbery, nasty threats, theft, and listening to those evil voices in his head --er, I mean, on his back. Henchmen? Those tentacles have minds of their own. Sentence: Presumably death by drowning, by his own redemptive choice. |
Guilty
of... Fear mongering, shameless gleeful dishonesty, propaganda making, and churning out the malapropisms. Henchmen? John Ashcroft, Donald Rumsfeld, Condoleeza Rice, and lazy ass-kissing big media Sentence: Unfortunately still free. Wreaking considerable havoc at home and abroad. |
Guilty
of... Manipulation, self-absorption, gossip, hell raising, indiscriminate trend-setting, ego-crushing, and general negative energy spreading. Henchmen? Her "army of skanks" Karen & Gretchen chief among them. Sentence: A taste of her own medicine. Presumably followed by graduation. |
Guilty
of... Possessing a cold cold heart. 'That thing you're supposed to have--he doesn't have.' He commits multiple homicides. He also talks too much. Henchmen? He works alone. This time, for kicks, he's drafted his cabbie. Sentence: A lonely death, which he has already foretold. Oh, the humanity. |
| Wrath,
Envy, Gluttony, Pride, Sloth, Lust, and Avarice
|
||||
| Finalists: "Elle" Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill Volume 2 Bitch doesn't have a future (more on her in a bit) * Zombies in Dawn of the Dead & Shaun of the Dead The most ubiquitous villians of the year but a little lacking in the personality department, no? Semi-Finalists: "Senator Brewster" Alan Alda in The Aviator top-grade slime * "Father Manolo" in Bad Education * "Satan" in The Passion of the Christ is fairly memorable workin' that retro androgyny look. Say, ya think Mr. Gibson has 'issues' ? | ||||
Sexpot
of the Year
the
luscious and lickable are
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Alfie's
Women Nia Long, Jane Krakowski & Susan Sarandon in Alfie |
"Angel" Gael Garcia Bernal in Bad Education |
"Darren" Daniel Craig in The Mother |
"Hector
& Achilles" Eric Bana & Brad Pitt in Troy |
"Marion" Kim Basinger in The Door in the Floor |
Amongst
Alfie's gorgeous conquests, these three are the most luscious... |
The
ultimate sinister cock-tease. Wet underwear contest coming up. |
Craig
can always be counted on for smoldering virility (and great acting) |
Mano
a mano. Oil them up, Wolfgang. It's Beefcake Maximus. |
Haunted
and neurotic, but totally available. Fuzzy sweater is optional. |
Finalists:
"Jin" Takeshi Kaneshiro in House of Flying Daggers
Killer smile * Semi-Finalists: "Alice"
Natalie Portman in Closer Striptacular and all grown up
* "Alfie" Jude Law in Alfie
the harem-effect is totally believable, non? * "Joe
Taylor" Ewan McGregor in Young Adam * |
||||
Diva
of the Year
the
reining focus pullers are
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
"Edna
Mode " Brad Bird in The Incredibles |
"Elle
Driver " Daryl Hannah in Kill Bill Vol. 2 |
"Julia" Annette Bening in Being Julia |
"Lady
Port-Huntly" Isabella Rossellini in The Saddest Music in the World |
"Olympia" Angelina Jolie in Alexander |
Turn
ons: "The Now", visits, and FASHION! dahling. Hobbies: Designing "super" costumes, bold designs, challenges, elaborate security systems. Turn offs: "No Capes!" Also poopy models, tears and passivity, and looking backwards. |
Turn
ons: Bill, cruelty, fast cars, poison, cell phone conversations, and Hanzo blades. Hobbies: Internet research, murder, lies, betrayal, whistling, despising "The Bride", reading aloud to others Turn offs: "The Bride", "Pei Mei", and her blind spots. |
Turn
ons: Applause, laughter, young American fans, and herself. Hobbies: Acting primarily. She also enjoys changing her mind frequently, massage, temper tantrums, and plotting revenge. Turn offs: Young starlets and long contracts. |
Turn
ons: Beer. Prosthetics. And beer-filled prosthetics. Hobbies: Creating hilarious slogans "If you're sad and you like beer, I'm your lady!" and throwing elaborate international music contests. Turn offs: Car accidents. Lost limbs. Boredom. |
Turn
ons: Snakes as pets and accessories. Oh, and her son Alexander. Hobbies: Snake charming. Standing out in a crowd, speaking w/ a bizarre accent, plotting, dangerous political maneuvers. Turn offs: King Phillip her husband, pretenders to her throne. |
Finalists:
"Pamela
Landy"
Joan Allen in The Bourne Supremacy * "Carlotta"
Minnie Driver in Phantom of the Opera * "Caterine
Vauban" Isabelle Huppert in I Heart Huckabees * Semi-Finalists:
"Kynaston" Billy Crudup in -Stage Beauty * "The
Bride" Uma Thurman in Kill Bill Volume 2 *"Lars
Von Trier" Lars Von Trier in -The Five Obstructions * |
||||
Best
Tag Line
yes,
I am obsessed
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Dogville |
Kill
Bill Volume 2 |
Mean
Girls |
Shaun
of the Dead |
Team
America: World Police |
"A
quiet little town not far from here" |
"The
Bride is back for the final cut" |
"Watch
your back" |
"A
romantic comedy. With zombies." |
"Freedom
hangs By a thread" |
| For
those wondering "why anyone would ever honor taglines?"
--it's like this.
Most taglines are so nauseau inducing that the very few that don't make me feel like regurgitating -and actually make me think of the movie fondly, or want to see it...well, I figure that's an accomplishment. |
||||
| Finalist: Harry Potter and the Prionser of Azkaban "Something wicked this way comes" * Alexander "Fortune Favors the Bold" * Semi-Finalists: Goodbye Lenin! "The German Democratic Republic lives on -- in 79 square meters!" * Vera Drake "Wife. Mother. Criminal." * | ||||
Best
Individual Line Reading
I
told you I was bonkers
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Nicole
Kidman Birth |
Natalie
Portman Closer |
Tom
Wilkinson Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind |
Lindsay
Lohan Mean Girls |
Sandra
Oh Sideways |
"You're
a little liar, aren't you?" Anna's first real moment of self awareness projected outward. Awesome. |
"Thank
You" Alice's 'my real name is Jane' scene gives Portman a sick/funny repetitive mantra |
"Technically
speaking the procedure is brain damage" Please put Tom in every movie, OK? Thanks. |
"only
the coolest people are going to be there and you better be
one of them beyootch shut up i love that shirt on you" Hee. |
"I
know. I need to be spanked." The least celebrated member of this ensemble gets one of the movies biggest laughs. |
| Finalist: Naomi Watts-"Fuckabees!" I Heart Huckabees A funny joke fused with the her too intense persona * Imelda Staunton "I know why you're here" Vera Drake -the sound you here is a pin dropping in the movie theater. Devastating. * Dustin Hoffman -practically anything he says in -the exact wording of the line I'm thinking of escapes me at the moment - I Heart Huckabees * Semi-Finalists: Julia Roberts "I'm disgusting" Closer -Who knew that Julia had this in her? * Kirsten Dunst "Go Get 'em Tiger" Spider-man 2 Finally uttering Mary Jane's catchphrase! | ||||
Best
Poster Design
see?
I'm absolutely cuckoo
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
Eternal
Sunshine |
Kill
Bill Vol. 2 |
Maria
Full of Grace |
Primer |
Sideways |
The
teasers only. Great stuff. Intriguing, funny, and human ...
just like the movie. |
The
most perfect of the many Vol. 2 posters. Simple yet potent
with laser focus on the plot. |
It
haunts with the depressing pellet as communion and the "based
on 1000 true stories" gut punch. |
Creepy,
stark, and obtuse but it's also cool and unique like the movie
it honestly represents. |
Posters
that don't do the standard big movie star face warm my heart.
Funny and clever. |
| Finalist: Birth * The Mother * Dogville * Vanity Fair * Spider-Man 2 "Sacrifice" teaser poster * Semi-Finalists: The Phantom of the Opera * Bad Education * The Day After Tomorrow "Statue of Liberty" teaser * | ||||
Traditional
Oscar categories:
Majors
/
Technicals
/ Technicals 2 (Tally of Noms)
Special Categories: Extras
/ Extras 2 / Scenes
1 / Scenes 2 (Tally
of Noms)
