Cinematic Shame: The Worst of 2008

Awards Page Index * OSCAR coverage here
2008 Year in Review
Hyperbole Gone Wild / Hall of Shame / December Glut
Underappreciated Films & Doc of the Year / Top Ten of 2008
Nathaniel R December 29th

HALL OF SHAME

Before we begin a quick reminder: Since I am not forced to see movies, my "worst" lists generally exclude the truly terrible. Films whose suckage is undisputed I am able to skip. Lucky me.

Generally Dissed Films I Skipped:
The Happening, The Love Guru, Meet the Spartans, Over Her Dead Body, You Don't Mess With the Zohan, Fool's Gold, The Eye, Seven Pounds, Bedtime Stories, Sex Drive, Mad Money, Chapter 27, Witless Protection, The Spirit, Defiance and Meet Dave

From the films I did see, I bring you the following...

dishonors

Worst Supporting Actor
sucking from the sidelines

I couldn't truly fill out this category because I didn't see many of the year's worst movies (according to critics) that might have contained abundant botched male roles. Of the films I did see, I could've included Woody Harrelson's overacting in Transsiberian, any guy from Cloverfield (a Manhattan populated only by annoying fratboys? Bring on the destroying monsters. Leave no building standing!), Jeff Bridges in Iron Man (he's still one of my favorite actors but I don't get the performance at all... his hidden villainy was so telegraphed they should have just given him horns), any green actor from Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino, or Ben Barnes incredibly gorgeous but alarmingly dull Prince Caspian, but these are all minor annoyances and don't really deserve tongue lashings. Tongue bathings maybe (well, for, Mr. Barnes). So I've settled on only two egregious offenders.

Pierce Brosnan
Mamma Mia!

Jeffrey Donovan
Changeling

If I ran the world bad singing in a musical would be a major felony. But can you even call this "singing"? Slippery Brosnan has found a legal loophole to escape my sentencing, damn him!

The only thing missing --besides the peek-a-boo accent (now you hear it, now you don't) -- was a moustache to twirl. Seriously makeup department, shape up! You couldn't be bothered to find him a moustache? He's ready to twirl.

Worst Supporting Actress

I had too many possibilities here. In the end I had to go with individual performances that made me cringe and not the ones (and there were many) that merely seemed a little "lost" in the demands of their roles. A few examples: I'm not sure how one keeps up with Kristin Scott Thomas so you have to extend sympathies to the occassionally confounding hysterics of Elsa Zylberstein in I've Loved You So Long. I mean, how do you make sense of that character and keep up with KST --what an impossible task. But this isn't about impossible tasks. It's also not about terrible roles. The less said about the embarassing "magical negro" role Jennifer Hudson was saddled with in Sex & The City the better so we'll leave that one alone, too. Finally, I'm not sure how interesting the blank slate/fantasy girlfriend can ever be either so I won't hold that against the lovely Freida Pinto in Slumdog.

Eva Mendes
The Women

Debra Messing
The Women

Thandie Newton
W.

Anna Popplewell
The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian

What chutzpah she had to take over a Joan Crawford role. I almost didn't include her on account of this simple fact: if your name isn't Bette Davis you will not survive a throwdown with Joan Crawford.

That said, she still sucked.

As cartoonish in her choices as Eva Mendes but she dug in and found a way to be even more annoying. I'm not sure how that's even possible but Grace Adler doesn't do things halfway.

Shrill, unfunny and eager to shatter your eardrums in her big 'comic' birthing scene.

W...stands for

'What the hell?'
Did she get Condoleeza confused with a Stepford Wife crossed with a malfunctioning robot maid Rosie?

(train)Wreck
No fooling.

Winner. of this "prize" --she takes it with ease.

Her pouting, her stiff movement, and especially her vacant stare crushed me. I wanted to shout "LINE!" to help her out. But then again her performance didn't read as "flailing actor" so much as "bored teenager". Not the right message to send while acting in any magical tale of wonderment

Worst Lead Actress
Mostly things were fine this year

I don't have much to say this year (thank you!) Even marginal to bad movies (like 27 Dresses or Mamma Mia!) were semi-redeemed by their leading actresses. God bless the women --only not The Women. Why isn't Meg Ryan here? I hear you screaming. Her parade has had enough rain, I think. I had hoped that she'd unearth her old sparkle but it didn't work out that way. She'll have to dig harder if she tries again.

Do I really think Scarlett's performance was bad? No.. but I didn't want Kristen Stewart to have to fly solo here. I include Scarlett because it felt like she was in over her head with both the intellectual banter and the comic timing (though I should add that the movie didn't really suffer for it -- built into the character was a certain hint of the poseur). I include her only as a tough love reminder that superstardom can vanish as quickly as it first appeared. Why isn't she trying harder? It's been 5 years since people were truly wowed by her acting. Now is not the time for coasting... even if you've got the looks, presence and voice to coast with.

Scarlett Johansson
Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Kristen Stewart
Twilight

Outwitted by co-star Rebecca Hall with those Woody zingers and outsmoldered by co-star Penélope Cruz, too. Whoops.

Focus, Scarlett. The A List is not a permanent status

Kristen, honey, when you're handed a one note role, "ADD NOTES!"

That hospital scene practically sent me to the emergency room.

Worst Lead Actor

In a moment of perversity I almost nominated Christian Bale in The Dark Knight but it would have only been for shock value and I try not to play that game. But this I have to say: He was the least impressive male actor in that movie and isn't that all shades of weird considering how great of a thespian he is? I think it was the voice that sabotaged him. It sounds as affected as Cher through a vocoder only, you know, a shade lower and through a gravel bed rather than a pitch correcter.

But in truth as I scoured the list of films I'd seen, the men were looking pretty good, or least adequate (tangent: I wish Emile Hirsch had done something, anything with his Speed Racer role. The camera is on you now, Emile).

So, no. No Nicolas Cage Next level atrocities (see last year's list) awaited me in 2008. So let me just take this space to reiterate that I loathe Hayden Christensen.

Having him play a smug anti-hero in Jumper who insults the audience in voiceover didn't do anything to suddenly endear me to him. James McAvoy played a similarly offputting 'I'm better than you' protagonist in Wanted. What a difference a lead actor makes. When James McAvoy claims superiority I forgive him and wish he'd deem me worthy of respect. When Hayden says he's better than me, I just want to punch him. Don't you?

Shame For Everyone! Miscellaneous Stupidity
Usually I share a couple dozen specific little gripes in a colorful chart right about now
(see 2007 & 2006 for examples) but let's do things differently this year. What are your pet
peeves of this past film year? Trends, performances, attitudes, marketing, moments that
bugged you? share them on the blog and I might add them right here.

and finally...
Now Playing at Hell's Multiplex
Noisy audience, Overpriced snacks, Tiny screens and Bad movies

WORST PICTURES
A Multiplex of Horror
10 Dishonors in Alpha Order
There were (probably) worse movies
but these were the bottom scrapers for me

10,000 BC - It could be that many more years before a stupider movie arrives. The worst of '08 and probably '09 & '10, too. But if we're talking numbers, I'll give it this: Each time I thought the movie couldn't get any dumber, it would prove me wrong in 10 minutes flat.

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian -Dull derivation as spectacle. Much duller than the first (which already lacked for spark and inspiration). That's what you get when you subtract Tilda Swinton from your equation.

Deception -[some thoughts]

I Could Never Be Your Woman -Straight to DVD for a good reason -- Hide it! Though I should note that it's far more endearing than the rest of this bottom ten -- but I needed ten since I'm a completist [more]

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -At the risk of sounding ageist, this feels like something a bunch of old guys cooked up together thinking they were being "cool" (Shia! Alien conspiracies! Cate Blanchett! Funny animals!). All credit to the great original trilogy for whatever love people worked up for this ode to hokey CGI. The South Park guys nailed it.

Jumper -As arrogant and bland as Hayden Christensen himself [more...]

Life Before Her Eyes - the radiant Uma Thurman gets stranded in an overwraught conceptual gimmick. [review]

Mamma Mia! -Can every single person involved in the global success of this messy "musical" turn over every cent they've earned to ABBA? [more thoughts]

Twilight -The media fawned over this supernatural Harlequin romance, desperately pandering to tween and adult fans. But sometimes you have to risk pissing people off and tell it like it is. These vampires suck.

The Women - Doomed in the concept stage: a self-serious female empowerment buddy comedy sprung from a merry bitchfight classic. Why? It's an anachronistic blend of 30s cattiness, simplistic "you go girl" 90s aesthetic and an eager mimicing of 00s era Sex & the City.

discuss this article on the blog

Also:
"Hyperboles Gone Wild" -The Over Appreciated Films

"December" -The Glut, Oscar Strategies and History
"Underappreciated" -Special Citations & Honorable Mentions
"Top Twelve of 2008" -The Best Films of the Year

Worst Supporting Actress
I had too many possibilities here. In the end I had to go with individual performances that made me cringe and not the ones (and there were many) that merely seemed a little "lost" in the demands of their roles. A few examples: I'm not sure how one keeps up with Kristin Scott Thomas so you have to extend sympathies to the occassionally confounding hysterics of Elsa Zylberstein in I've Loved You So Long. I mean, how do you make sense of that character and keep up with KST --what an impossible task. But this isn't about impossible tasks. It's also not about terrible roles. The less said about the embarassing "magical negro" role Jennifer Hudson was saddled with in Sex & The City the better so we'll leave that one alone, too. Finally, I'm not sure how interesting the blank slate/fantasy girlfriend can ever be either so I won't hold that against the lovely Freida Pinto in Slumdog.

Eva Mendes The Women	Debra Messing The Women	Thandie Newton W.	Anna Popplewell The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian
What chutzpah she had to take over a Joan Crawford role. I almost didn't include her on account of this simple fact: if your name isn't Bette Davis you will not survive a throwdown with Joan Crawford. That said, she still sucked.	As cartoonish in her choices as Eva Mendes but she dug in and found a way to be even more annoying. I'm not sure how that's even possible but Grace Adler doesn't do things halfway. Shrill, unfunny and eager to shatter your eardrums in her big 'comic' birthing scene.	W...stands for 'What the hell?' Did she get Condoleeza confused with a Stepford Wife crossed with a malfunctioning robot maid Rosie? (train)Wreck No fooling. Winner. of this "prize" --she takes it with ease.	Her pouting, her stiff movement, and especially her vacant stare crushed me. I wanted to shout "LINE!" to help her out. But then again her performance didn't read as "flailing actor" so much as "bored teenager". Not the right message to send while acting in any magical tale of wonderment

Worst Lead Actress Mostly things were fine this year
		I don't have much to say this year (thank you!) Even marginal to bad movies (like 27 Dresses or Mamma Mia!) were semi-redeemed by their leading actresses. God bless the women --only not The Women. Why isn't Meg Ryan here? I hear you screaming. Her parade has had enough rain, I think. I had hoped that she'd unearth her old sparkle but it didn't work out that way. She'll have to dig harder if she tries again. Do I really think Scarlett's performance was bad? No.. but I didn't want Kristen Stewart to have to fly solo here. I include Scarlett because it felt like she was in over her head with both the intellectual banter and the comic timing (though I should add that the movie didn't really suffer for it -- built into the character was a certain hint of the poseur). I include her only as a tough love reminder that superstardom can vanish as quickly as it first appeared. Why isn't she trying harder? It's been 5 years since people were truly wowed by her acting. Now is not the time for coasting... even if you've got the looks, presence and voice to coast with.
Scarlett Johansson Vicky Cristina Barcelona	Kristen Stewart Twilight
Outwitted by co-star Rebecca Hall with those Woody zingers and outsmoldered by co-star Penélope Cruz, too. Whoops. Focus, Scarlett. The A List is not a permanent status	Kristen, honey, when you're handed a one note role, "ADD NOTES!" That hospital scene practically sent me to the emergency room.

Worst Supporting Actor sucking from the sidelines
		I couldn't truly fill out this category because I didn't see many of the year's worst movies (according to critics) that might have contained abundant botched male roles. Of the films I did see, I could've included Woody Harrelson's overacting in Transsiberian, any guy from Cloverfield (a Manhattan populated only by annoying fratboys? Bring on the destroying monsters. Leave no building standing!), Jeff Bridges in Iron Man (he's still one of my favorite actors but I don't get the performance at all... his hidden villainy was so telegraphed they should have just given him horns), any green actor from Clint Eastwood's Gran Torino, or Ben Barnes incredibly gorgeous but alarmingly dull Prince Caspian, but these are all minor annoyances and don't really deserve tongue lashings. Tongue bathings maybe (well, for, Mr. Barnes). So I've settled on only two egregious offenders.
Pierce Brosnan Mamma Mia!	Jeffrey Donovan Changeling
If I ran the world bad singing in a musical would be a major felony. But can you even call this "singing"? Slippery Brosnan has found a legal loophole to escape my sentencing, damn him!	The only thing missing --besides the peek-a-boo accent (now you hear it, now you don't) -- was a moustache to twirl. Seriously makeup department, shape up! You couldn't be bothered to find him a moustache? He's ready to twirl.

WORST PICTURES A Multiplex of Horror 10 Dishonors in Alpha Order There were (probably) worse movies but these were the bottom scrapers for me
		*10,000 BC* - It could be that many more years before a stupider movie arrives. The worst of '08 and probably '09 & '10, too. But if we're talking numbers, I'll give it this: Each time I thought the movie couldn't get any dumber, it would prove me wrong in 10 minutes flat. The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian -Dull derivation as spectacle. Much duller than the first (which already lacked for spark and inspiration). That's what you get when you subtract Tilda Swinton from your equation. Deception -[some thoughts] I Could Never Be Your Woman -Straight to DVD for a good reason -- Hide it! Though I should note that it's far more endearing than the rest of this bottom ten -- but I needed ten since I'm a completist [more] Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull -At the risk of sounding ageist, this feels like something a bunch of old guys cooked up together thinking they were being "cool" (Shia! Alien conspiracies! Cate Blanchett! Funny animals!). All credit to the great original trilogy for whatever love people worked up for this ode to hokey CGI. The South Park guys nailed it. Jumper -As arrogant and bland as Hayden Christensen himself [more...] Life Before Her Eyes - the radiant Uma Thurman gets stranded in an overwraught conceptual gimmick. [review] Mamma Mia! -Can every single person involved in the global success of this messy "musical" turn over every cent they've earned to ABBA? [more thoughts] Twilight -The media fawned over this supernatural Harlequin romance, desperately pandering to tween and adult fans. But sometimes you have to risk pissing people off and tell it like it is. These vampires suck. The Women - Doomed in the concept stage: a self-serious female empowerment buddy comedy sprung from a merry bitchfight classic. Why? It's an anachronistic blend of 30s cattiness, simplistic "you go girl" 90s aesthetic and an eager mimicing of 00s era Sex & the City.