reviews
Short Notes on: Alfie * Dawn of the Dead * Primer * Secret Things *
Stage Beauty * Super Size Me * Tarnation * Team America: World Police *
If you like these roundups see others in 2004 series of roundups: Karaoke pt 1 / Karaoke pt2 / Comedic survey / Brevity /Personal Ads / Thanksgiving Dinner. If you don't like these roundups too bad since I don't have time for the real thing.
This month's mini reviews take the form of Personal Ads (again). The following movies are lonely and looking for that special audience to make them complete...
Personal Ads Pt 2 (Back to Part 1) |
Alfie
Don't be a hater! I am a movie that's really looking to settle down. I just haven't realized it yet. Maybe you're the right audience for me? In truth, I am shallow. But, oh, to look at me. I look just like Jude Law ("People" magazine's sexiest man alive, don't you know) and I'm photogenic --thank DP Ashley Rowe for that. Just being near me or in me you'll look beautiful. Just ask Marisa Tomei, Jane Krakowski, Susan Sarandon, Nia Long, and Omar Epps if you don't believe it. Men and women are welcome. I'm a bit randy and I have something yummy for everyone to look at. I am also prone to mood swings these days... so have patience.
B-
Dawn of the Dead
Truly scary nihilistic horror flick seeks open-minded viewers of a large number of persuasions to jump, laugh, scream, or shake like leaves at my killer sequences. I'll even take academics who want to compare me to the original. I am fearless. Bring it on --we're all going to die anyway, right? My friends say my best attributes are my setpieces. Take my stunning opening which lifts liberally from some great movies but is still a grisly beautiful thing of its own.
I don't want to oversell myself. Maybe I'm just lucky genetically speaking? I come from sturdy movie stock and I'm just plain well made: editing, directing, acting, sound mixing. I have all the goods. Please note: I am a cynic deep down. I don't want children. Ever. You'll understand once you get to know me. So, don't expect flowers on that special day. Wide-eyed romantics should look elsewhere.
BPrimer
Intellectual and intense shoestring oddity seeks geeks, cinephiles, and hipsters to groove on my maddeningly cerebral plot twists. You won't even know what hit you. You might even feel like I was made just for you (especially if you're an imaginative technogeek). Only the adventurous need apply. If you need someone to wine and dine you, forget it. I am strictly low budget -- no time for those dime-a-dozen multi-million dollar production values. I've got larger plans. I've got moves you've never seen. You'll beg for a second date. I'm surprisingly sexy that way.
BSecret Things
Outré Frenchie seeks horny and/or brainy cineastes and art house habitues to marvel at my truly pervy self. I like it when you watch me. Am I a satire on corporate power structures? Am I an elaborate gender politics comedy? Am I the Showgirls of 2004? Or am I just a deranged sociopathic exhibitionist looking for voyeurs? Or am I something else? Tu n'en sais rien. Francophiles preferred. Come in. Bring cash...
B-
Stage Beauty
Polysexual period piece and comedy/drama seeks undemanding viewers to enjoy my anachronistic and often boneheaded historical ramblings. People tell me I look like several Miramax Oscarbaiters which I think they mean as a compliment. (?) But I am from Lions Gate so I'm not sure exactly why they would say that. Anyway, back to me. Well, I wear pretty costumes and I think of myself as quite clever. I enjoy discussing sexuality and ---no, wait. Listen. You can take me home to your parents. I only seem dangerous. I'm actually quite respectable and conservative at heart. Theater lovers are a plus. I was made for the stage, so if you don't mind that in the movie theater as well...
C-
Super Size Me
Know-it-all-documentary invites you to a whole month of meals at Mickey-Dees. Burgers, super sized fries, and shakes. Everything on the menu. Under no circumstances will you ever ever want to return there again! But I think you'll find me edifying. I do have a tendency to repeat myself but we all have faults. I bet you do too. I bet you eat fast food frequently. After spending time with me you'll want to be a better person or at least a healthier person so, I'm good for you.
B-Tarnation
Supremely self-absorbed documentary/bio looking for understanding audiences. I know I can be hard to take but you'll never forget watching me. I am self made. And that has to count for something these days. I am probably a Leo. I have mother issues and I need to be loved/worshipped unconditionally. If you are gay, have ever spent time in an asylum or on heavy meds, if you have a theatrical nature, or cared for mentally unstable family members, we may be soulmates. I realize this limits my audience...but I am nothing if I am not singular. People say that I am potentially the first of many. So see me first.
B
Team America: World Police
Looking for really good jokes? I got a few. And some funny songs too. I'll sing for you and tell you those jokes early on in the date. Looking for cheap above-it-all laughs? I got those in spades. The best ones are about that hack director Michael Bay. We'll have plenty of time over dinner for me to tell those ones to you again and again.
Who cares what's happening out there in the world when we can mock everyone and everything in it? Audiences of both political types are welcome. But I tend to get on better with conservatives. I have a truly questionable (some would say "sick") desire to degrade, dismember, and murder real life famous liberals in puppet form. It's really fun to make fun of Michael Moore, Susan Sarandon, and all those other lefties who wish that the world were a better and more peaceful place. They're so very mockable! Real life conservatives are safe from my mocking. Because well... um... Hey, Michael Moore is fat. Get it. Ha ha. But I'm not partisan. No way. I just... Hey, do you want to hear that funny song about American again? I told you I can I can sing too. I did tell you that, right? Fuck, yeah!
D+
All reviews and commentary by Nathaniel R.
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