reviews by Nathaniel R.
Short notes on: Connie & Carla * The Five Obstructions *
Hellboy * Japanese Story * Mean Girls * Troy
early birds medley |
Since I have been so unreliable this year w/ reviews I decided to torture both myself and you, my audience (how kind!) by speedily tearing through much of the cinema of 2004 that has crossed my retinas. I've gotta have a gimmick to get through this, soooo, please try to keep your last meal down when reading. The following reviews will be either sung through or written in haiku or limericks. Ready... Set... Go...
(Apologies to Michael Bennett)
One
Singular Australian
Even when the films are less.
One
Engaging thespian
But Connie is a total mess
One star and Nia Vardalos just won't do.
Even crap-tacular films get grace notes from you know who.
One
Romance in the desert,
Who wouldn't fall for Toni?
but the Story has only
just begun.
Snail! Paced!
Yet she always holds attention.
Do I really have to mention
She's...the...one?Connie & Carla: D Japanese Story: B-
There once was an actor whose face did impede
traditional casting (which is Hollywood's creed!)
But this film's main attraction?
A red demon of action
So they thankfully gave him a lead
It begins during a ritual in the 2nd World War
That's confusing (and truthfully kind of a bore).
And for CGI's sake
No sense does it make.
in Hellboy's case less would be more.Hellboy C-
Surmount obstacles
Lars asks if Jörgen can be
The Perfect auteur?The Five Obstructions B+
(apologies to Duran Duran)
The mean girls are reforming --like Heathers has been revived.
Back to school clichés abound. Oppressive cliques reprised
Mean Girls falls a bit short of glory; uneven. too nice by half
Heathers-lite but you forgive it for there's big laughs (big laughs)
in this movie and that's rarer than you'd think
They tried to crack us up, looks like they’ll try again
Mean Girls... never boring
Mean Girls... never goes astray
Mean Girls... cheers to Tina Fey
Mean Girls... Lindsey shines!Mean Girls B
(apologies to P.J. Harvey)
I lost my heart
in movie theaters
To that movie star
who now plays Achilles
I guess I'm old
But where is Homer?
We'll never know
What this coulda been
Oh blue eyed star
_(blue eyed star)
"Immortality--It's yours"
_("Immortality --It's yours")
My blue eyed star
_(blue eyed star)
became blue eyed snore
_('came blue eyed snore)
in Dumbed-down Homer
_(dumbed-down Homer)
In 25th Hour
_(Oh 25th Hour!)
Benioff showed much promise
_(He showed much promise)
Now his future looks dour
_(His future dour)
Oh help me Bana
Get through this dreck
O'Toole and Christie
in this total wreck?
From the story it roams
(it truly roams)
Changes more stupid than brave
(More stupid than brave)
Poetic Homer
(Poetic Homer)
Rolling in his grave
(rolling in his grave)
Little lit'. big war. Adapted by a stoner?
Come back here, Wolfgang. gimme my Homer.
Little lit'. big war. Adapted by a stoner?
Come back here, Wolfgang. gimme my Homer.
Little lit'. big war. Adapted by a stoner?
Come back here, Wolfgang. gimme my HomerTroy D+
All reviews and commentary by Nathaniel R.
