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ABBA: The Movie Directed by: Lasse Hallström Written by: oh, please
Starring: ABBA. Duh (Anna-Frid Lyngstad, Benny Andersson, Björn Ulvaeus and Agnetha Fältskog)
I should warn you up front: Jeg elsker ABBA! [imagine beating cartoon hearts here] I just love them. And not in the way most people do, bopping around ironically or with retro amusement to "Dancing Queen" or "Gimme!Gimme!Gimme!". I mean I actually love ABBA. I'd make them breakfast in the morning. My love isn't camp-based or fleeting or based on knowing the chorus of one generously fun #1 hit. I know their first and last names. I've listened to Swedish interviews. I've seen all of their videos. I bought a CD box set. I think they're geniuses... possibly the most perfect pop group that ever existed. Despite my ABBAlicious feelings, I've never seen this movie. So I've decided to share the experience with you as I live it.
Why I haven't seen it: I'm allergic to director Lasse Hallström (Chocolat, The Cider House Rules, The Shipping News) and I blame ABBA for setting him loose on the world. This was his first major film. I have also avoided the smash Broadway jukebox musical Mamma Mia! I considered it blasphemy when it premiered and reviews didn't endear me to it. The plotline alone gives me hives: a young girl wants her father to walk her down the aisle but her mom was a big whore and it could be any one of three men; They all come to her wedding in Greece. What is this Lace: The Musical !?! That being said, my genuine unshakeable delight in Meryl Streep (especially when she's singing) has prompted me to set all my qualms aside and be excited for the movie version. I like the idea of Streep as a former floozy with a daughter who looks just like yummy Amanda Seyfried.
Gimme Gimme Gimme ... ABBA: The Movie (1977)
00:22 We begin with images of horses, ponies, sunsets and ...country music? Damn you Cheese Master Halström. What the hell is going on? There's even a kangaroo. I'm scared of them and they are NOT indigenous to Sweden.
Oh, okay... I get it. We're in Australia (hence that shock cut --well, shocking to me --to the vile kangaroo). Why? A country music D.J. is finishing his broadcast.
01:37 ABBA is mentioned. This must be the plot: They want this country DJ to be an "ace music reporter". He has to chase down an interview with ABBA --no, make that get a dialogue with them. This D.J. seems as confused as me that we're in Australia.
He says "this is not my bag" --nobody says that anymore. Unless they're being directed by Quentin Tarantino. Note to self: We've traveled back in time 31 years. [Sadly, yes, I was already alive. The only true movie memory I have of '77 is Star Wars but I was wee. I was semi-conscious of ABBA. My big sister listened to them]
03:03 Interspersed between this plot set up is split second cuts to fans chanting "WE WANT ABBA!" I know how they feel. I didn't know how they felt in 1977 but I would by the time ABBA was breaking up in late 1982. [sniffle] It sucks being late to the party. I definitely know how they feel while watching this movie --Three minutes in and still no sign of Anna-Frid (aka Frida) Benny, Björn or Agnetha.
03:38 The D.J. is named "Ashley" (played by Robert Hughes) and his boss tells him they want his dialogue to be an event, not a documentary. Sounds good to me.
04:20 FINALLY. "The Fab Four" (Swedish division) appear onscreen.
That was too 260 seconds too many without ABBA. I didn't rent this to see D.J. Ashley: The Movie (1977)
05:47 Ashley is off to get the interview but he is a really incompetent reporter. He didn't know the band's location. He also didn't know there was a press conference scheduled. He didn't reserve a car and now he needs to get somewhere --it's all very vague. Reportage isn't his bag, man!
07:05 At the press conference, Agnetha is complaining about the slog of touring. "Where am I?" She says with endearingly shaky English. I don't wanna stay here, but you know I can't leave, Please let me go dear Please let me leave, I can't shake loose, I can't shake loose I can't shake loose, can't shake loose Any move I'll make in the end I will lose. I can't shake loose I try and I try but it ain't no use
1983 flashback. It can't be helped!
07:42 This isn't a documentary but so far it's not an event either as promised. It is good PR for ABBA, though. The radio is telling us that they're bigger than the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. They have an entourage of 105 people traveling with them to Australia.
08:24. Now, this...This I was not expecting. Here we are at the ABBA press conference and Benny (far right) is teaching us about Sweden's taxation system. When asked about their astronomical wealth, he says they pay a lot of their income to Sweden and that "that's fair". Not to get all political on y'all reading but Benny went there and where Benny goes...
I love this attitude about taxes. Common sense will tell you that taxes are important. Countries need governments. Governments need money. I'll never understand why Americans are always so horrified to pay taxes and why no political party, blue or red, will even try to educate the public on why we pay them or how much we could get for them if the government was an efficient organization truly out to care for its citizenry. [/politics]08:57 Another surprise. Agnetha is asked if it's true that she is the "the lady with the sexiest bottom in the world" Her answer: "How can I answer to that. I haven't seen it" Funny. She can't see her own bottom but her baby blues can spot infinitives a sentence away.
09:19 Ashley, our DJ cum reporter, arrives after the conference has wrapped up. He really is a tool. Curse you Hallström, quit showing him to me. The "WE WANT ABBA!" refrain starts again. I really should have counted them for a laugh.
Now we're backstage at the concert. 105 people in their entourage and Agnetha is shown doing her own eye makeup? That's not right. I mean that's a lot of blue powder to apply. I fear this will only give Agnetha carpel tunnel syndrome.
10:00 B&B (Benny & Björn) are worried about the electricity and the rain. I feel like I'm watching Madonna's Truth or Dare only without the humor, the black and white cinematography, or the entourage of (literal) dancing queens.
10: 37 Finally we get a song. It's "Tiger" which is not one of their best. I am behind you, I always find you, I am the tiger. People who fear me never go near me, I am the tiger
A&A (Agnetha and Anna-Frid) do hilariously chintzy cat-paw choreography for this number. Tina Landon apparently wasn't available (to be fair she was 11 years-old).
I am reasonably confident that you could superimpose an image of Jessica Lange's Maggie the Cat (PBS's Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, 1985) in between A&A and nothing would even look "off" --She was constantly doing this choreography. It's not a crime to look at the Lange but she was shamelessly criminal in that production. Get it viewers? Maggie is a cat!
Yes, um, we got it Jessica, thx. Tennessee Williams writing is just too restrained for its own good.
"Where am I?"
13:15 Meanwhile, back inside the movie, Ashley isn't carrying his press card so he isn't allowed backstage. His lame excuse "I haven't got it on me right now" He may be the most incompetent and unrealistic reporter I've ever seen on film... or at least since last month when that bimbo who was supposed to be Ivy League/Vanity Fair bedded Tony Stark/Iron Man.
13:47 "S.O.S." So when you're near me, darling can't you hear me S. O. S. The love you gave me, nothing else can save me S.O.S. Pop heaven in 3 and 1/2 minutes.
16:07 "Money Money Money" Oh my sweet baby jesus. Hallström, not content to just let ABBA sing, has intercut the classic with shots of ABBA merchandise flying off the shelves. Apparently ABBA socks were a hot property. (Socks, really?) Ashley is trying to get into the concert but he's not able to buy a ticket from a scalper because he isn't carrying any cash. Honestly, I'm surprised that he remembers how to walk. Or that he's wearing clothes. How did he manage to put them on? This is not a functioning adult.
In more ABBA-centric news, I am pleased to report that we're finally getting close-ups of Frida on lead vocals. Agnetha was totally hogging the concert.
17:34 Hallström finally remembers to show us Agnetha's ass --excuse me "bottom". Sexiest in the world, circa 1977?
You be the judge.
18: 31 The number over, we're backstage and we see Frida running down the stairs from the stage with Agnetha close behind. 'BE CAREFUL, FRIDA! Haven't you seen Showgirls?' Agnetha is younger and hungrier. And what she's learned on the road, you can't teach in any school. She prowls. SHE IS THE TIGER!
18:51 D.J. Ashley has finally done something that resembles something a human being with brain cells and motor functioning skills might do: he has recognized one of his country's landmark buildings. And he knows how to get there. The pop superstars are outside the Sydney Opera House. Ashley makes it there in time. Will wonders never cease?! He doesn't get the interview but still...
In this scene ABBA is asked to pose with a giant kangaroo. Nobody told me this was a horror movie!
The last time I saw a kangaroo before this hateful surprise was about one week ago. True story: A kangaroo had broken into my apartment and as I tried to shut my bedroom door the beast jumped toward it with those massive feet, knocking me and the door down with its thunderous power. I lay on the floor covered in door fragments. He was about to crush me under his oversized feet but I woke up.
19:41 "He Is Your Brother" Agnetha shows off her bottom again. Whore. During this concert footage we also catch a glimpse of the guitarist. I noticed a tiny stuffed koala attached to his guitar strap. Now, why couldn't it have been a stuffed koala in the previous scene? That's not a lot to ask. That's what Olivia would have opted for.
Kangaroos aside, I am completely in love with Australia...
NEXT PAGE ... Frida's ass!, eye shadow frenzy, and Ashley's wet dream
