From Justin to Kelly to Sanjaya
reviews
From Justin to Kelly Directed by: Robert Iscove Written by: Kim Fuller
Starring: American Idol Kelly Clarkson, Justin Guarini, and Dreamgirl Anika Noni Rose
My evil friend over at ModFab made a nefarious request that I review the greatest movie ever made From Justin to Kelly (2003). Since the modern and fabulous one gave to the charity of me during my fundraiser, I must comply. Did I mention that this friend o' mine is evil incarnate? You see I've already seen this cinematic masterpiece once which, I trust you'll understand, is more than sufficient. His sinister suggestion forces me to see the one and only --oh god let it be the only-- American Idol movie more times than I've seen Citizen Kane. Oh the humanity (or lack thereof in ModFab's case)
In order to fulfill his diabolical command without hurting myself I've decided to liveblog the film rather than attempt to construct a real essay on its "merits". Behind her hazel eyes and Justin's fro all criticism lay defeated.
As the credits roll I begin with a two pronged confession:
1. The thought of watching it again fills with me a terror of the soul usually reserved for films with abundant use of fatsuits, fag jokes, or toilet humor.
2. Though I usually tear through my bloglines when I return from any vacation to read up on what everyone's been talking about I have not visited one site today for fear of reading all the gloating regarding last night's American Idol in which the media whipping-boy Sanjaya was finally put down. I don't like it when people pick on scapegoats and so, it's actually a perfect time to rewatch From Justin to Kelly. Maybe with this reminder the hordes of people who watch this show will be reminded that Sanjaya did not defile a sacred show. He merely added to the long loooooong history of American Idol's legacy of cheesy, bland, all american mediocrity.While I've been typing this confession the DVD has been at the menu stage and I've already been lulled into a hypnotic kitsch trance by its looping new disco beats....and Justin's fro.
OK. Here we go... the second greatest movie ever made starring a cast member of American Idol.
From Justin to Kelly (2003)00:45 Kelly kicks off the movie singing in a bar. At first I allow myself to believe it’s a karaoke number and American Idol is suddenly all self-aware. But it turns out she’s just singing to a crowd of one. His name is Luke and he wants Kelly bad. Kelly doesn’t want Luke back.
01:20 Kelly and her two friends (we’ll call them Anika and Partygirl –I can’t look up names. I’m busy. But I'm calling Anika's character Anika since this is Anika Noni Rose from Dreamgirls) gab about going to Florida for Spring Break. Kelly lets it be known that it’s not really her scene. Neither is acting. The three friends have a scintillating conversation about bikinis and men. I am surprised to report that this conversation does not bore me as much as the similarly banal gabfest between the girls in a bar in Quentin Tarantino’s Death Proof. But maybe that’s because it only lasts thirty seconds and not thirty minutes.01:51 This movie wastes no time. In less than two minutes they’re already in Florida while Kelly Clarkson (?) warbles a really bad version of the Go-Gos “Vacation” while we look at travel brochure shots of Florida during the credits. This is filmed a teensy bit like those really bad Ford commercials they always show on American Idol. Trigger happy editing with pictures to sell you something. More credits.
03:29 Kim Fuller wrote this. Robert Iscove directed it. Blame them.
<----- 04:00 The Plot begins. Justin and his friends (we’ll call them Hornyboy and Nerd) are party planners of sorts and they’re going to hold a “Whipped Cream Bikini Contest!”
04:17 Plot C is introduced [for some reason Plot B isn't introduced second. This movie is so avant garde -ed]. Nerd lets the other boys know he’s going to meet a girl at the beach that he has been cyberchatting with for a year. He’s a nerd because he wears glasses (Hollywood shorthand) but since I’m the sort of guy who makes passes at guys who wear glasses I love the movie nerds. Maybe not this one so much but, yeah, in general.
06:00 I was falling asleep but I’ve been awakened by our first musical number! You know how these things happens. You’re walking on the beach with your posse. And suddenly you’ve got a Saturday Night Live / Brady Bunch spoof moment: Jan Brady shouting “we’ve got choreography!” Anyone remember that? That was so funny. This movie isn’t as funny as that but it is funny.9:27 You know Kelly said that Florida wasn’t her scene but she certainly is enjoying herself, frolicking with tons of muscle guys on the beach while singing and "dancing". During this number she also meets her long lost brother --I mean future lover Justin (but their chemistry is soooo sibling). They sing together briefly but...
10:00 the first musical moment is over. Which means: dialogue. Which means: boredom.
10:25 Look! Justin Guarini is beatboxing. Blake Lewis is so derivative!
11:00 There’s a really dumb joke thrown in here about Hornyboy mooning Kelly, Anika, and Partygirl. A hot policewoman catches him and he blames it on “posterior spazmotica.” Or something. Get it? She writes him a ticket.
11:34 Justin, Nerd and Hornyboy check into their hotel. The manager tells them there’s “No smoking. No drinking. No girls” Have you ever heard a hotel manager talk like this? Who is he, their dad? This movie is not very naturalistic. In the hotel room Hornyboy takes off his shirt which actually surprised me because I didn’t see him wearing one. He spends almost the entire movie shirtless and I think this is to cover for the fact that the male star never once gets undressed in a beach movie. That Justin Guarini is so shy.
12:19 Now we get a scene of the girls checking into their hotel rooms. The symmetry! This movie is so underrated.
12:30 Justin and Kelly are now in separate hotel rooms talking about each other. They’re so into each other. They felt an instantaneous connection… like twins ---sorry, like lovers!
14:50 Later, Kelly and Justin are looking for each other in the crowd. They’re already “in love” … how sweet and totally believable. This is a very forgettable number. But I love the lyrics. They’re hilariously obvious about searching and looking. And LOOK!
They’re right under each others noses. And yet they keep missing each other. Oh, the levels. This movie is so profound.
16:57 I can’t follow this plot.17:11 uh oh. Partygirl is actually a Back-Stabbing Beeyotch. She found Justin who she knew Kelly was looking for (are you paying attention?) and she used him to get a bracelet invitation for the party that Hornyboy was hosting.
17:35 OMG, I’ve been watching this for 17 minutes and I just now realized that Kelly and Justin are playing themselves. How dumb am I? (Hint: not as dumb as Kim Fuller and Robert Iscove)
18:15 Somehow Justin and Kelly have ended up in the girls bathroom together. One of those madcap comic bits. They have a funny exchange about how big Justin’s hair is. Kelly is from Texas and she’s “seen bigger.” Hee. Kelly gives Justin her phone number but it gets wet almost immediately and he can no longer read it to call her. Oh, cruel misfortune!
19:01 Ooh, plot B: Anika’s gotta find her man! She is eating alone (where is Kelly? What a self involved bitch) and she spills something on her bathing suit. Carlos, a waiter, cleans it up. Their meet-cute conversation has Anika getting all shy and brain vomity. She thinks Carlos has great manners and is cute but she doesn’t wanna seem easy and they bat their eyes at each other and... I… I’m sorry but the whole entire time they’re having this wholesome conversation I can't pay attention because below the camera line he is rubbing her crotch (to dry it?)! You can tell because he reaches for it in longshot with his towel and in closeup his shoulder keeps moving. The thing is this: If you have manners and someone has spilled a drink on their crotch you hand them the towel rather than do the drying yourself. I’m just saying.
20:03 PartyGirl is now trying to seduce Justin. At this point in the movie he has been totally Kellywhipped and there’s no going back. But Partygirl doesn’t give up even though Kelly is like her BFF.
20:50 Sabotage! Partygirl has given Justin her number instead of Kelly's and now she sends Justin fake text messages as “Kly” so Justin thinks he’s been dumped. Partygirl is a backstabbing beeyotch AND she can’t even spell. But Kly is shorter so from now on we’ll call Kelly "Kly". Got it?
22:53 “Dare to Bare” This is not part of the plot. Stay with me...
