From Justin to Kelly...
Continued from Page One
"Dare to Bare" is a diversion. I think it's in the movie to add some local Spring Break color. At the beach there’s a contest where the boys and girls have to dive into the ocean and then switch clothing. Why can’t the whole movie be about this? I would have already seen this a second time if everyone was doing this.
Imagine.
That's like a whole different movie movie. Bring that one on.24:31 Plot B again. Carlos thinks Anika needs a college boy but they end up on a date anyway. He takes her to a local hangout which looks pretty fun: good music and dancing.
25:58 Anika claims she can’t dance. Yeah right. Since this is a musical we’ll discover that she can in about…
26:20 Twenty seconds and she’s totally in the zone.
26:39 ...and now she’s singing. The sound mix in this movie is terrible. Everything sounds canned and artificial. I’ve heard Anika live on Broadway and the voice is gorgeous. But here it sounds overly processed and distant like everyone elses. I know this is Plot B but her musical number ends at …
27:09 … Kelly got like 3 minutes every time. No fair! Especially because Carlos is hot and their pairing generates more real screen chemistry than the Plot A couple. You can imagine them actually having sex.
28:06 …huh whats that -- oh yeah, Plot A
28:30 Here we come to the whipped cream bikini contest that Hornyboy told us about at the beginning. Kly has been drafted into it by Party Girl The Back-Stabbing Beeyotch (Hereafter referred to as PGTBSB). But Kly, who is always plotting to get the audience to vote for her –such a sly one --announces that she thinks it’s humiliating and degrading. “And fattening!” adds Anika (because Anika is the best part of the movie)
31:00 Plot C! How does director Robert Iscove keep all these balls in the air? Nerd gets caught up in a volleyball game when he’s supposed to be meeting his internet love. Oh the hijinx and complications.
31:52 Kly and Justin who met again at the bikini contest sit down while bantering. Kly is trying to eat a hot dog and Justin accidently spills hot sauce on her lap. Now, wait just a minute. I’ve seen this scene before. What is this movie trying to tell us? I really need to know. I’m sure there’s a deeper psycho-analysis waiting to happen here. What could all these scenes revolving around girls with wet panties possibly mean?!? It’s baffling.
33:22 Hornyboy gets another ticket from the hot police woman. This movie is all about looping back in on itself. It’s like INLAND AMERICAN EMPIRE
34:25 Now we’ve reached what is quite possibly the funniest scene in the movie. ModFab and Catherine Cantieri both love this scene: Justin and Kly are on their first date. Justin has some really awkward transition-into-song dialogue like “Look, there’s definitely something happening between us” and then the singing begins. The song is called "Timeless" and I know that because they keep singing the word.
For their entire date Justin and Kelly are this far apart...
and they sing words like “Don’t let it end, no-oo. Now that you’re right here in my arms where you should stay. Hold tight baby” It is either a landmark moment of unintentional hilarity or Robert Iscove is telling us something really subtle about the way we can feel physically close to someone who is actually yards away. I’m tearing up.
The other hilarious thing about this scene is trying to decide which of the two reality TV stars Justin Guarini or Kelly Clarkson is the worst actor. They’re both supposed to be falling in love but Justin plays all his close ups like he’s suspicious and Kelly plays all hers like she is trying to remember her next line. In the end I have to say I actually think Justin is a better actor. Kelly just isn’t believable as herself...or Kly or whatever.
37:20 Plot B. Carlos and Anika have their first fight after Anika accidentally gets Carlos fired.
37:48 Back to Plot A. It’s the end of that "Timeless" date. Kly and Justin are having one of those very awkward end of dates moments. They both look terrified about possibly kissing. Which is totally believable since they’re related, I know it. Kly kills the moment (thank god –it was getting scary) by opting for a handshake.
39:12 The next scene is a total ripoff of the classic number from Grease “Summer Nights”. Justin and Kly sing to their friends about their date the previous night while their friends egg them on by asking questions. In tonights’ performance the role normally played by Olivia Newton John will be played by Kelly Clarkson. The role normally played by John Travolta will be played by Justin Guarini. The role normally played by Stockard Channing will be played by Party Girl the Back-Stabbing Beeyotch. The role normally played by Kenicki will be played by Hornyboy. The role… well, you get the picture.
So Kelly and Justin say to their friends that [music cue] “How can I explan this...” PLEASE DON’T. But it’s too late.They're singing and dancing with their BFFs and complete strangers.
42:30 They are still dancing. Please tell me this movie is only 45 minutes long.
43:29 Hornyboy gets a ticket again from the hot policewoman. See what I mean about this films artfully interlaced repetitions?
44:10 This is something you just have to love about stupid movies. Kim Fuller, who you’ll remember wrote the movie, is worried that we haven’t quite discerned the personality of all the girls she has them discuss their personality (singular intended). Kly is “nice”. Anika is “smart” and Party Girl the BackStabbing Beeyotch is… well, she’s a “partygirl” She protests “maybe there’s more to me than that” and there clearly is. She’s also a Backstabbing Beeyotch! But, Kly and Anika haven’t gotten wise to how fully rounded their friends personality is.
45:50 Forty five minutes came and went and this damn movie is still on. In the previous scene PGTBSB tricked Justin again with another text message. She arranges to meet him at "Pearl" but before he arrives: her solo number. And now we see the source of her evil. She's always horny and always looking for a man but she's looking for them at gay bars. I mean, that's what Pearl is right? She actually sings the lyrics “ The boys are bad the boys are good. They would love me if only they could” as the hot boys spin her, throw her around, encircle her, and wave white handkerchiefs around. Now, I’m not that well versed in 70s gay code but that’s got to mean something. Something kinky. This song is called something like “I'm Gonna Wish Upon a Star” and it’s hideous.
50:50 PGTBSB meets Justin and they talk. The chairs they're sitting in are orange and white and they have skinny super tall backs which go straight up into a point. The set is like something Lydia from Beetlejuice would design. That Pearl is one crazy gay bar.
51:58 ----> Nerd gets a sunburn. Tee Hee. We haven’t seen that joke before.
52:48 I thought we were moving into Plot C here but suddenly it's a whole new plot. Nerd gets mistaken for someone else and a guy (Greg) almost beats him up for allegedly sleeping with his girlfriend Inga. Nerd ends up convincing Greg to have a drink with him and talk out his feelings instead. I have NO idea why this scene is in here but it has to be so that they could throw in a gay joke. Because this is the only gay joke in A Musical About a Brother and Sister Who Fall in Love in Colorful Miami.
53:18 Back to Pearl. This movie knows no crosscutting boundary. Justin still doesn’t realize PGTBSB is playing him. She continues to spin her web of lies trying to separate him from his true love, Kly. Justin is dumb. She tells him that Kly has a boyfriend back home and that she leads guys like him on all the time. Hateful.
54:22 Back to Plot D (Plot Z from Outerspace?) I don’t even understand this new plot. Does Greg love Inga? Who are Greg and Inga? Nerd tells Greg to talk to Inga and fight for their love. And then he…
54:57 …doesn’t see his cyber chat girlfriend walking right by him again. And we're back to Plot C! Thank god. I was so lost. I suspect Nerd will only find love when the movie ends. Will that be soon? Tell me it’s soon.
